Something keeps me holding on to nothing.
-Haunted, Taylor Swift
I did it.
I returned those damn golf balls and of course, my shoulder is throbbing like a mf. (It’s the finest example of psychosomatic pain I’ve ever exhibited.) I left them for him and he found them more quickly than I thought he would. I know this because he actually came to ask me about their sudden reappearance.
“Don’t need them anymore?” he queried in a very soft voice while he stood about 10 feet away.
I looked up at him and he flashed the golf balls in his hand at me. I paused, unsure as to how truthful I should be. I mean, how do you say I’m giving them back because I’m trying to erase you from my heart? Instead, I answered the best way I know how- noncommittally- “I don’t think so,” and looked away again because his tone was making me lose my resolve.
I heard him walk away, saying to me, “We’ll keep them here then.” Kill me now. Thanks for making me feel guilty about trying to forget about you, by being sweet to me. Why couldn’t you have done the expected thing- pocket them and not ask any questions? It’d be so much easier that way.
I wanted someone to talk to about what happened but that seemed counter-productive so I kept it all inside, second-guessing myself the whole way. I was still thinking about how my actions and his reaction made me feel as I fell asleep- it’s the only explanation I have for the dream. The dream where he put his arm around me and pulled me into him so he could kiss me. And kiss me, he did. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach going crazy as he did so.
Get out of my head, I muttered at him today. The more I try to shake him, the harder he sticks. This was never going to end well, was it?