down is what i’m feeling

Published June 22, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

So tell me when you’re gonna let me in,
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
-Somewhere Only We Know,
Keane

I have been in the weirdest melancholic mood these last few days.

I don’t know if it’s residual grieving for my father since we just passed Father’s Day, if I’m picking up on Blue’s moods, if I just need to purge my system of all that I’m feeling or some strange combination of all three. I think it started when I read this fic. Or maybe the bittersweet ending just added to what was building, I don’t know.

I just want to let it go and feel happy (hell, I’ll settle for okay) again. It may come down to watching the episode of House that I keep on my DVR for such an occasion. The episode is called Wilson’s Heart and no matter how many times I watch it, I never fail to sob uncontrollably. (Kinda like when I watch Marley and Me.) Something about knowing that the hurting is coming and death is arriving so much quicker than anticipated, or even warranted, shatters my heart into a million pieces. How many times can you break your own heart before it’s no longer whole after it heals?

I’ve been listening to Glee’s version of the above quoted Somewhere Only We Know. The fact that I’ve caught myself singing/humming it a lot in the past few weeks speaks volumes of my emotional stability. That particular song is used in the new Winnie the Pooh movie commercial. I informed my mother that if I had to hear it one more time, my heart would crumble into seven million pieces and never be assembled again. She wanted to know why; why? I echoed, because it’s so f’in sad.

I want this unhappiness out of me. Now.

It seems like the world has other plans however. I may or may not have inadvertently made my favorite fanfic writer mad (and the fact that I can potentially anger a complete stranger worries me); I’ve broken: a plastic pitcher, the tip to my favorite eyeliner, the eyeliner sharpener (briefly); gotten my hands covered in said eyeliner, used a makeup remover wipe as a handiwipe for the eyeliner, lost a game of cribbage for third week in a row…oh, and one of my best friends is in the hospital.

I should have crawled back in bed and called out sick after I dropped the eyeliner pencil this morning, it only went downhill from there.

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