i’m hanging on

Published July 18, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

You said that I will be okay.
-Broken,
Lifehouse

I’ve been sleeping really badly again. So many f’in nightmares plaguing me. I’m to the point where I’m dreading going to sleep because I’m just going to dream about being chased.

And it’s not like I’m clueless as to why my mind keeps conjuring up these images of me running away from something awful; I just don’t want to confront those thoughts/feelings at the moment. Maybe if I just finally broke and cried, the dreams would stop. Too bad that’s unlikely since my tears have been on lockdown for a few weeks now. Damn defense mechanism.

The dreams are starting to affect my awake hours too now. I’ve been feeling so uneasy. Blue gave me one of his grimace “smiles” today and I could barely twist the corners of my lips upward in reply. It certainly did not reach my eyes. And for some reason outside of my grasp, right now, I really want him to notice that I’m not okay and offer to talk it out with me. But that would mean that he has to care, which despite all the crap we just went through, he still cannot bring himself to do. At least, not the way I need him to.

So I’m stuck trying to temper the bad feelings with all the fluff fanfic I can read. Fics like this one. Or humorous fics like this one. Or even smutty fics like this one. Basically I’m avoiding the angst fics like it’s my job. Which, of course, means that I’m not reading my favorite writer’s work, thankfully she hasn’t posted something new in the last few days. Read all of her works here now. Maybe I should go back and see if I can get anything to inspire a few tears. At most, they usually instill a deep sense of melancholy in me- the non-happy ending ones that is. Read this one; it’s got Transformers, humor and my deep dislike for Michael Bay (only in the author’s notes, sadly) mixed with a little smut, some Megan Fox bashing and a happy ending (wink, wink).

I wish I could foresee a moment in time where I won’t feel like I’m about to crack.

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