i just wanted to say

Published October 20, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

My heart gets no rest over you.
-Selfish,  ‘N Sync

My brain gets no rest either.

I’ve been having these strange dreams about Blue every night. Last night’s dream involved him acting just like his dad, which doesn’t surprise me since they’ve both been on my mind a lot. Sometimes the dreams are small ones that fade minutes after I awake, but they’re starting to become bigger and last longer.

My ears have been carefully tuned to the tone of his voice and he said something the other day that had me muttering, Let’s just break my heart, why don’t we?, because I could hear the hurt in his voice. And the looks he’s been giving me? Just stop already.

I desperately want to speak with him about all this. Explain how I know it feels like the wounds keep being ripped open and the salt’s never-ending. How I know that he wants to block it all out because it’s the only way he can get through the day. I know all this because it’s how I coped.

You know what it got me? Dreams where I am startled and terrified to find my dad’s alive. Never happy. Startled because I know that he’s dead and terrified because I know that when he figures that out, he’s going to die all over again. And I know that I won’t be able to take that pain again.

I don’t want any of this for him. If he needs someone to talk to who’s been through this, I’m here. I just want the Blue I know back. He may drive me incredibly crazy but I can talk to him. And tell him that I had a squeaky windshield wiper incident that reminded me of the time he got surprised by one. Or inquire about his upcoming follow up appointment for his kidney stone issues.

I just want to be able to talk to him again.

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