All posts for the day April 8th, 2012

this is me.

Published April 8, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Well, it sucks, to be honest.
-Shadow Days,
John Mayer

Yet another procrastination post…with a bonus of introspection!

So yesterday, M and I accidentally got into a srs bsns (serious business) conversation. I may have scared her a little. Or a lot. Oops.

It’s not my fault; she’s easy to talk to. She probably got to know more than she ever wanted to about me, emotional me. Broken me.

It’s funny, most of the people I feel close to, say they don’t play well with others.

We are a band of misfits.

We work well with each other.

I’m happy to know them.

I had someone tell me the other day that he really hoped that I would be able to make it to some event. It’s really telling about my trust level that my first thought, when someone (outside of family) invites me somewhere, is usually along the lines of: Why? So you can laugh at me for believing you when you pull a no show? Or so you can laugh and tell me that you didn’t mean it when I show up?

These thoughts have led me to back out of more outings than I can count. Those thoughts, plus the thoughts that if someone truly got to know me that they would run far, far away. This is why I run first.

I wish I knew the source(s) of these fears. I cannot stop them. I’ve tried.