I wanted to be like you….
-All You Wanted, Michelle Branch
You know what would be great? If I could honestly stop caring how people perceive me.
It hit me the other day just how afraid I am of other people. Not all people mind you, just strangers. You know, random people…and my neighbors in my apartment complex.
Yeah, mostly my neighbors.
Because I see them on and off and I am desperate to not be known as the handicapped girl. So while most people would rush towards a building to be let in while someone else goes through the hassle of getting the door open, I fake doing shit in my car until they disappear and leave me alone.
If I didn’t, they would see me struggle with the steps, the door, and I don’t want my inability to be my defining characteristic. (Anyone who knows me, knows that honor goes to my sarcasm.)
I will forever be alone due to not letting people in. Even if they could get past the physically broken me, the emotionally broken me would push them away.
Too many people have abandoned me for reasons unknown to me. Because of this, I cling tightly to those in my life even as they treat me as nothing but an irritant. It’s why I cry and plead for forgiveness over the slightest thing. I have no self-respect.
How can I ask people to respect me if I don’t respect myself? I feel a bit like Rodney Dangerfield.