Why do I ask questions I already know the answer to?
Is it to validate myself?
Is it to make the other person feel guilty, if they are capable of feeling such?
Or is it simply to confirm that I already know what I know?
In the end, whatever the cause, I end up being the one hurt…regardless if I get an answer or not.
And lately, it’s been not.
Under the water you scream so loud,
but the silence surrounds you.
-Blue Ocean Floor, Justin Timberlake
As usual, my brain is at odds with reality.
I turned 32 yesterday. 32. You’d think by now I’d have learned that at most, my birthday is pleasant.
Pleasant, as in, not horrible…like my 16th birthday where my algebra teacher basically called me a moron in front of the entire class without asking for the context of my response, like my almost 22nd or 23rd birthday when my cat swallowed a needle and I had to wait days to see if he would live (he did, thankfully). Pleasant…like my surprise 30th birthday party…which turned out to be more of a surprise for the guests when I answered the door and greeted them.
And while I told myself I didn’t expect anything, that was a big fat lie. My brain wanted all 3 people to come through on their gift (it gave me such a pretty picture of what it could look like ) and in the end, I struck out.
I felt so damn hollow (still do), and it certainly didn’t help that I didn’t see the one person I can count on. Soon, I hope.
In the mean time, I’ll be looking for my brain’s off switch.
It’s not complicated
so this won’t take a while….
-Money Make Her Smile, Bruno Mars
I seriously dislike this time of year.
It makes me miss my dad terribly, it stresses everyone the fuck out, and instead of feeling loved, I feel more alone than ever, on top of the not being able to keep myself safe in inclement weather.
As usual, I buried the lead. Go figure.
Too bad I don’t feel like explaining.
Love can mend your life,
but love can break your heart.
-Message In A Bottle, The Police
I’m gonna go cry in a corner. That is all.
I wanted to be like you….
-All You Wanted, Michelle Branch
You know what would be great? If I could honestly stop caring how people perceive me.
It hit me the other day just how afraid I am of other people. Not all people mind you, just strangers. You know, random people…and my neighbors in my apartment complex.
Yeah, mostly my neighbors.
Because I see them on and off and I am desperate to not be known as the handicapped girl. So while most people would rush towards a building to be let in while someone else goes through the hassle of getting the door open, I fake doing shit in my car until they disappear and leave me alone.
If I didn’t, they would see me struggle with the steps, the door, and I don’t want my inability to be my defining characteristic. (Anyone who knows me, knows that honor goes to my sarcasm.)
I will forever be alone due to not letting people in. Even if they could get past the physically broken me, the emotionally broken me would push them away.
Too many people have abandoned me for reasons unknown to me. Because of this, I cling tightly to those in my life even as they treat me as nothing but an irritant. It’s why I cry and plead for forgiveness over the slightest thing. I have no self-respect.
How can I ask people to respect me if I don’t respect myself? I feel a bit like Rodney Dangerfield.
This might be my new favorite thing to look at…forever.