hey, this is me

Published October 14, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

I wanted to be like you….
-All You Wanted
, Michelle Branch

You know what would be great? If I could honestly stop caring how people perceive me.

It hit me the other day just how afraid I am of other people. Not all people mind you, just strangers. You know, random people…and my neighbors in my apartment complex.

Yeah, mostly my neighbors.

Because I see them on and off and I am desperate to not be known as the handicapped girl. So while most people would rush towards a building to be let in while someone else goes through the hassle of getting the door open, I fake doing shit in my car until they disappear and leave me alone.

If I didn’t, they would see me struggle with the steps, the door, and I don’t want my inability to be my defining characteristic. (Anyone who knows me, knows that honor goes to my sarcasm.)

I will forever be alone due to not letting people in. Even if they could get past the physically broken me, the emotionally broken me would push them away.

Too many people have abandoned me for reasons unknown to me. Because of this, I cling tightly to those in my life even as they treat me as nothing but an irritant. It’s why I cry and plead for forgiveness over the slightest thing. I have no self-respect.

How can I ask people to respect me if I don’t respect myself? I feel a bit like Rodney Dangerfield.

nothing feels right

Published September 11, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down,
and I do appreciate you being ’round.

-Help!, The Beatles

I’ve been stuck in this awful bout of depression.

I wish I knew its direct cause. The nearest I can figure, I’m coming down from the high of the culmination of 2 concerts and a big writing project. Whatever the cause, I need to shake it.

I was talking with someone the other day and was advised to let myself wallow.

Here’s the problem with doing exactly that- once I dig that hole, it’s nearly impossible to climb back out.

It leads me to doing stupid things, thinking that I’m being helpful when I’m doing the exact opposite. Or wandering into the angst tag and sobbing over character death fic. (That second one was an accident; I cry over character death fic on a good day.)

All the emotional upheaval is making me physically sick too.

I feel like I should step away from the fic, but how do I do that when it’s my main distraction from this craziness?

a banging thank-you

Published September 5, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Okay! This thing that I whined about here and sort of cheered about here, is posted.

Before you get the link (haha!), you have to understand that the monster (as I’ve been calling it lately) would not have been written without the help of two very fabulous women: garnetice (C) and shisou_eimin (M).

C had the task of editing the damn thing.

But even before I got to that stage, she also had to handle me whining at her during every step of the process. It started with the difficulty of coming up with an idea. Quickly followed by me complaining that no one wanted to be my beta. It progressed into me (not so) jokingly threatening to quit every time she stated she “might die”. (How many times was that, C? Like 2 or 3?) It ended with me screwing up at every turn, an almost computer implosion (the blue screen of death appeared at one point!) and a few versions of the monster being sent her way.

I’m sure there were several points where she asked herself why she talked me into the bang. She deserves so much respect for dealing with me…. Go read her stuff. She’s the one who I talk about here and in paragraph 4 here.  She’s so awesome that even her notes on my errors are humorous. Here are couple of excerpts:

The ride to the deli is quiet but – comma after quiet. [removed], commas are our friends.

Getting on Logan’s nerves but before – commaaaa. Lol, okay, so I’m going to stop pointing these out because I’m sensing a theme, and it’s probably obnoxious for you to have me go COMMA COMMA COMMA. Generally, you’re going to need a comma before the but always; control f them all and insert those suckers. ❤ (Funny story here, C. I once had a teacher who told me to stop doing this very thing and that’s why they were all missing. And it wasn’t obnoxious at all!)

You might get some crit for it from the serious shippers, tbqh, because people are fans of happy endings, but they can go fuck themselves. This? Wins everything.

See what I mean? Awesome.

M, on the other hand, was my artist. Her lovely contribution is here. (She too writes amazing stuff…find it here.)

She also got the brunt of my whining through various forms of communication: email, text, twitter. Next time I might try carrier pigeon.

M was my drill sergeant when I needed to be kicked/pushed and didn’t shoot me when I went and completely changed the ending on her.

It’s also thanks to her that the monster has had so many views already despite being posted for such a short amount of time.

M continues to be my sounding board for a great many things. She is simply amazing.

Seriously, I don’t know how either of them put up with me, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you both.

The monster.

time of my life…sorta (part 2)

Published September 3, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

So, remember how I saw these guys in March?  Well…I saw them again last night. And I forgot one thing about closer seats.

GIRLS WITH SIGNS HAVE NO CONSIDERATION FOR THOSE BEHIND THEM.

Okay, I’m sure that’s not always true, but seriously, the girl 3 rows in front of us should have been beat down when she continued to hold up her “James, I’m your Worldwide girl” sign AFTER the song had been performed. (Irony of ironies: banner for venue’s way of resolving concert ruining issues was seen ON THE WAY OUT.) But to prove my no-consideration theory, the girl behind HER also held up a sign for a good portion of the concert. This video illustrates my point nicely (keep your eyes at the bottom of the video at the 23 second mark; I dealt with this chick for 2/3 of the concert! She was blocking 75% of my view. Grrr.) :

I would have pointed out their egregious error had they been closer to me.

How about some pretty stills instead?

Let’s start with the end. I still have errant confetti in my purse.

During the Beatles breakdown, Kendall asked the crowd: “What’s your favorite Beatles song?” Me: 8 Days a Week. Sister: ??? Me: What? It is. I don’t care that they didn’t cover it.

Logan singing “Help!”

Thankfully Logan is a good actor. He’d been tweeting emo lyrics a couple of times yesterday and I worried a bit that he’d be less than mentally present during the show. Sister blasted Taylor Swift’s “We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together” from the parking lot before the show for him. Venue’s house music counteracted that though…last song we heard before BTR’s set was Adele’s “Set Fire to the Rain”. Me: Stop it! You’re not helping emo boy!

Carlos is just precious.

Um, Kendall? Why are you hiding your ass? What’s with the butt-flaps?

I seriously think my sister took this just for Manda. 🙂

Kendall…before he turned into a sweat ball.

Logan singing “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”.

I’m not sure why Carlos looks upset. Could it be because Kendall’s attention is elsewhere? 😉

I’m not avoiding James for those who view this and are going “Where’s James?” Sister took MANY pics of that gorgeous man.

James is “Elevate”-ing.

So beautiful.

More perfection.

I mean seriously gorgeous.

Oh…you already know.

My two favorite guys. I tried convincing sister to “defect” to their side during “Windows Down”. Alas, we did not.

I love them.

You can thank sister for video and pics…it’s my job to keep myself upright; she does everything else. Thanks, sister!

Btw, those are MY earrings.

pic post…with a small update

Published August 19, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Ok, first off- I’m not dead. (Haven’t we been here before? I recognize that tree.)

This post is about a week late, but I’ve been so consumed by this thing that I needed to concentrate and just bang it out. (Pun definitely intended.) I’m so freaking happy to say that minus any revisions to be pointed out by my beta, this thing is DONE. It almost killed me several times, but I prevailed.

Either way, I took a somewhat deserved break last week and caught a show.

Awesome 8/12 show

Here’s what the arena looked like from our seats:

WTF were we sitting?!

Find section 18...we were last row.

Find section 18…we were last row.

So the opening band was/is MuteMath. I spent a good amount of their set screaming, “Are they done yet??” The highlight of their set (to me) was when they dismantled the drum kit at the end. It was…interesting.

For those looking for some words about Incubus, here they are: we were the last show done by LP before Incubus officially joined tour. No Incubus for us.

Now, this was my first Linkin Park show. My only gripe would be that it wasn’t longer. It was awesome and my sister got to see exactly what her camera is capable of. (That being said, I’ve told her that I expect to see PORES when we see these guys again in two weeks.)

Enjoy the few pics she actually took.

Chester Bennington

My favorite- Chester and Mike Shinoda during “When They Come For Me”.

Pyro! We could feel the heat where we were sitting. I believe this was the end of “Burn It Down”.

Mike during “One Step Closer”.

“One Step Closer” is my favorite song so I was thrilled that it was the closer. (Pun intended again!) I wish “Lies, Greed, Misery” would have been played or even “Roads Untraveled” but all in all, it was a great experience.