bad reactions

All posts tagged bad reactions

this is me.

Published April 8, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Well, it sucks, to be honest.
-Shadow Days,
John Mayer

Yet another procrastination post…with a bonus of introspection!

So yesterday, M and I accidentally got into a srs bsns (serious business) conversation. I may have scared her a little. Or a lot. Oops.

It’s not my fault; she’s easy to talk to. She probably got to know more than she ever wanted to about me, emotional me. Broken me.

It’s funny, most of the people I feel close to, say they don’t play well with others.

We are a band of misfits.

We work well with each other.

I’m happy to know them.

I had someone tell me the other day that he really hoped that I would be able to make it to some event. It’s really telling about my trust level that my first thought, when someone (outside of family) invites me somewhere, is usually along the lines of: Why? So you can laugh at me for believing you when you pull a no show? Or so you can laugh and tell me that you didn’t mean it when I show up?

These thoughts have led me to back out of more outings than I can count. Those thoughts, plus the thoughts that if someone truly got to know me that they would run far, far away. This is why I run first.

I wish I knew the source(s) of these fears. I cannot stop them. I’ve tried.

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out, out, out

Published January 7, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Now it’s morning but last night’s on my mind;
there’s something I need to get off my chest.
-All Mixed Up,
311

“Keep your head up.”

His voice repeats this phrase in my head, over and over again, now that the hazy slow burn of resentment has cleared. The problem lies in the fact that I can’t place where in the entire thing he said these words. Was it before or after everything blew up in my face?

I had been comforting myself by believing it was near the very end, but as I think back, it actually seems to be somewhere in the middle. Before I got blindsided. Before it all went to hell. Before I became Public Enemy #1.

Okay, that last one’s not true, but it sure felt that way.

Of course, he may have anticipated my reaction to what was about to go down and how once it did, my eyes hardly left the floor. And his words may have been more of a failed instruction (more failure on my part in his eyes) rather than the comfort that I desperately needed.

Any way you slice it, it’s not great. But now it’s out of my head.

words are sometimes too much and not enough

Published November 29, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

Don’t wish, don’t start;
wishing only wounds the heart.

-I’m Not That Girl, Idina Menzel (Wicked Soundtrack)

I don’t handle bad news well.

Sometimes- ok, most times- I don’t handle it at all. I shut down, go numb. It’s my defense mechanism. I did that when my mother called me at work to say that we’d be taking my dad off of life support, I did that when I found out a close friend died this summer, and I did it again yesterday after hearing some things that I still haven’t fully processed.

But before shutting down, I may have temporarily gone postal and flipped out on someone who just took it in stride. I know that I didn’t plan on saying what I did, but it doesn’t mean that I didn’t mean what I said. I meant every word.

It was a bit unnerving to hear it all, for a second time. At one point, I swung my head around to visually confirm something with the person I flipped out on, and found him watching me. As if he was waiting for me to react again. He is probably the only one who got a true read on what I was feeling. And that was accidental.

As it was, the giver of the bad news shifted his glance to me a few times and held it there, like he was trying to read me. My expression never changed the entire time he spoke; of that, I am certain. I won’t even pretend to think that he was worried about my reaction.

The whole situation reminded me of a time where he was the one who watched over me after my mother made that awful phone call to me six years ago. He knew before I did that we’d be terminating my dad’s life support. I only found out about this when she told me later that day, on the way to the hospital.

You see, it turns out my mother made two phone calls that day. I was the second one. She called and spoke with him first because she wasn’t sure what I’d do when she called me and told me what we’d be doing. She wanted to be called if I fell apart and became an emotional, inconsolable mess.

I never did thank him for what he did for us, but I think about that moment every so often, wanting to acknowledge it. It’s never the right time. That ship has probably sailed around the globe several times over by now.

I want to thank the person who was looking out for me yesterday. (You know who you are.) You didn’t have to tell me what you did, so appreciate that you did so.

i want YOU out of my life

Published July 20, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

If you could banish any one person from your life,
who would it be? Why?
– 7/20 Plinky.com’s Prompt of the Day

I obviously think too much.

My first thought upon reading this question was like, oooohh…who would get the boot?

The couple of people who I mentioned this prompt to were like Blue, Blue would go.

And here’s the thing, as much as Blue drives me crazy, I would miss him if he were to go. (He kept trying to collide with me today, as if he wanted to check the knock [me] down off of his to do list. One day, Blue; one day.)

like this, minus the soccer

So I moved on to people who have been downright hateful towards me. All of these people are currently out of my life, so unless this banishment comes with a past erasing clause (a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), they won’t be worthy of this wish either.

would my erasing procedure go a bit smoother?

If anything, I tend to walk away from people too quickly-still. Afraid that I’m going to get hurt when they figure out just who I am and decide that I’m not worth their time and/or thoughts and walk away themselves.

Distance self and run at the first sign of discontent. This needs to stop being my first reaction to people.

Back to the prompt- I couldn’t come up with a single person in my life that I would like to banish from it. And that’s because even the people who have not been my favorite by a really wide margin, have had some impact on my life. To remove them would change me too and I’ve finally just gotten to the point where I’ve embraced myself, flaws and all.

So thanks for the opportunity, but I’ll pass.