birthday

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it’s my (not) party and i’ll cry if i want to

Published March 14, 2013 by veryjaneeyre

Under the water you scream so loud,
but the silence surrounds you.
-Blue Ocean Floor,
Justin Timberlake

As usual, my brain is at odds with reality.

I turned 32 yesterday. 32. You’d think by now I’d have learned that at most, my birthday is pleasant.

Pleasant, as in, not horrible…like my 16th birthday where my algebra teacher basically called me a moron in front of the entire class without asking for the context of my response, like my almost 22nd or 23rd birthday when my cat swallowed a needle and I had to wait days to see if he would live (he did, thankfully). Pleasant…like my surprise 30th birthday party…which turned out to be more of a surprise for the guests when I answered the door and greeted them.

And while I told myself I didn’t expect anything, that was a big fat lie. My brain wanted all 3 people to come through on their gift (it gave me such a pretty picture of what it could look like ) and in the end, I struck out.

I felt so damn hollow (still do), and it certainly didn’t help that I didn’t see the one person I can count on. Soon, I hope.

In the mean time, I’ll be looking for my brain’s off switch.