Blue’s antics

All posts tagged Blue’s antics

good days look like this

Published November 18, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

Like I could knock on your door;
will you let me in?
-Letters to God, Part II;
Angels and Airwaves

I scrapped the last post where I raved a bit about AVA’s newest compilation. It’s entitled Love, so how could I not be enamored with it? Right now, I prefer part 1 over part 2 but that might change with time. Also, my current favorite song would be “Letters to God, Part II”. The lines that resound with me? I tell you I’m lost here; awaiting reply.

I had a moment with Blue yesterday. I don’t know if he recognized how nervous I was, but since I didn’t try to force anything, he was receptive to conversing with me. Which means I finally got the answer to my much wondered question and some fresh worry. Nothing’s ever clear-cut with him, I swear. I also inquired about holiday plans and got a small story in which he used the word “cockamamie”. Who the hell uses the word cockamamie anymore? Blue, that’s who.

I managed to secure something very wanted yesterday but am very hesitant to speak about it in case it doesn’t happen- for a multitude of reasons. All I’m willing to say is that I got tickets for something occurring March 1st and New England weather could ruin it. I sincerely hope not, because disappointment would maim me. (Bonus points if you got the disappointment reference. Here’s the full line: “No, rejection kills; disappointment only maims.”)

At work, I got something I’ve been waiting on for quite a bit of time. This means I have some work to catch up on Monday, but I should have a very large monkey off my back soon-ish. That’ll be awesome.

Sister wants to see Breaking Dawn this weekend. Yeah, her and about 8 million girls. Good luck to us!

i just wanted to say

Published October 20, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

My heart gets no rest over you.
-Selfish,  ‘N Sync

My brain gets no rest either.

I’ve been having these strange dreams about Blue every night. Last night’s dream involved him acting just like his dad, which doesn’t surprise me since they’ve both been on my mind a lot. Sometimes the dreams are small ones that fade minutes after I awake, but they’re starting to become bigger and last longer.

My ears have been carefully tuned to the tone of his voice and he said something the other day that had me muttering, Let’s just break my heart, why don’t we?, because I could hear the hurt in his voice. And the looks he’s been giving me? Just stop already.

I desperately want to speak with him about all this. Explain how I know it feels like the wounds keep being ripped open and the salt’s never-ending. How I know that he wants to block it all out because it’s the only way he can get through the day. I know all this because it’s how I coped.

You know what it got me? Dreams where I am startled and terrified to find my dad’s alive. Never happy. Startled because I know that he’s dead and terrified because I know that when he figures that out, he’s going to die all over again. And I know that I won’t be able to take that pain again.

I don’t want any of this for him. If he needs someone to talk to who’s been through this, I’m here. I just want the Blue I know back. He may drive me incredibly crazy but I can talk to him. And tell him that I had a squeaky windshield wiper incident that reminded me of the time he got surprised by one. Or inquire about his upcoming follow up appointment for his kidney stone issues.

I just want to be able to talk to him again.

help me help you

Published October 15, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

Half of my heart’s got a grip on the situation,
half of my heart takes time.
-Half of My Heart,
John Mayer f. Taylor Swift

I’ve been struggling for the past twenty-four hours for the right words. I’m still not sure that I’ve found them. Sometimes words fail me.

The other thing that’s failed me lately? My observation skills. Apparently when I was told to stop reading between the lines, I took those words to heart, and did just that. It turned out to be the wrong time to be doing so.

I should have known something was wrong when I called myself annoying and he gently disagreed with me. If he was being his usual self, he would have let my comment go or agreed with me. The tipping point should have been when I noticed that he insisted on sitting in the dark. That should have been a red flag moment for me. How the hell did I not realize it for what it was?? Especially since I did find him gazing at me from the dark room, at one point. We just watched each other for a few seconds before we went back to what we each had been doing. Why didn’t I take that minute to go and speak with him? It’s not like he would have admitted his feelings to me, but I will not forgive myself for being a bad friend who did not fully recognize how much he’s been hurting.

I just don’t know what to do now. I feel so damn helpless. It’s not like he actually needs me for anything. But I might prove to be a good distraction.

what’s going to happen?

Published August 27, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

I’m staring down the barrel of a hurricane. A hurricane the size of Europe. EUROPE.

First we get a really rare earthquake (tremors here) and now a f’in hurricane. Because the 2nd worst winter on record wasn’t enough wrath from Mother Nature. I’m trying very hard to not be my usual self who wants me to freak out. I can’t stop a hurricane, so I’m gonna have to let this one go.

Dreamt about Blue last night. It’s been awhile since that happened. I kind of know why it did though; he left without a word or visual warning and my brain hates that. Especially since with the impending hurricane, who knows what will go down?

In this dream, he and I are holding hands, sort of- since it was more like we’re grasping each others fingertips, and he wants to know how I keep my fingers so warm. My answer is something like, “I sit still.” (Okay dream me, that’s dumb.) So the dream fast-forwards and suddenly he’s sitting in a chair almost across from me with his legs on either side of my chair. What catches my attention is the fact that I’m stroking the skin of his ankle- under the leg of his pants- and it seems completely normal for us. I start to worry that maybe I shouldn’t be doing this but before I can look at him to confirm my thoughts by reading his expression and/or body language, the dream ends.

And to be completely honest, my dreams had a cameo by Justin Timberlake in a different dream…which was just plain strange. At least he was friendly.

I’ve been stuck on this song ever since I heard it. Time for you to love it too.

i want YOU out of my life

Published July 20, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

If you could banish any one person from your life,
who would it be? Why?
– 7/20 Plinky.com’s Prompt of the Day

I obviously think too much.

My first thought upon reading this question was like, oooohh…who would get the boot?

The couple of people who I mentioned this prompt to were like Blue, Blue would go.

And here’s the thing, as much as Blue drives me crazy, I would miss him if he were to go. (He kept trying to collide with me today, as if he wanted to check the knock [me] down off of his to do list. One day, Blue; one day.)

like this, minus the soccer

So I moved on to people who have been downright hateful towards me. All of these people are currently out of my life, so unless this banishment comes with a past erasing clause (a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), they won’t be worthy of this wish either.

would my erasing procedure go a bit smoother?

If anything, I tend to walk away from people too quickly-still. Afraid that I’m going to get hurt when they figure out just who I am and decide that I’m not worth their time and/or thoughts and walk away themselves.

Distance self and run at the first sign of discontent. This needs to stop being my first reaction to people.

Back to the prompt- I couldn’t come up with a single person in my life that I would like to banish from it. And that’s because even the people who have not been my favorite by a really wide margin, have had some impact on my life. To remove them would change me too and I’ve finally just gotten to the point where I’ve embraced myself, flaws and all.

So thanks for the opportunity, but I’ll pass.

i’m hanging on

Published July 18, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

You said that I will be okay.
-Broken,
Lifehouse

I’ve been sleeping really badly again. So many f’in nightmares plaguing me. I’m to the point where I’m dreading going to sleep because I’m just going to dream about being chased.

And it’s not like I’m clueless as to why my mind keeps conjuring up these images of me running away from something awful; I just don’t want to confront those thoughts/feelings at the moment. Maybe if I just finally broke and cried, the dreams would stop. Too bad that’s unlikely since my tears have been on lockdown for a few weeks now. Damn defense mechanism.

The dreams are starting to affect my awake hours too now. I’ve been feeling so uneasy. Blue gave me one of his grimace “smiles” today and I could barely twist the corners of my lips upward in reply. It certainly did not reach my eyes. And for some reason outside of my grasp, right now, I really want him to notice that I’m not okay and offer to talk it out with me. But that would mean that he has to care, which despite all the crap we just went through, he still cannot bring himself to do. At least, not the way I need him to.

So I’m stuck trying to temper the bad feelings with all the fluff fanfic I can read. Fics like this one. Or humorous fics like this one. Or even smutty fics like this one. Basically I’m avoiding the angst fics like it’s my job. Which, of course, means that I’m not reading my favorite writer’s work, thankfully she hasn’t posted something new in the last few days. Read all of her works here now. Maybe I should go back and see if I can get anything to inspire a few tears. At most, they usually instill a deep sense of melancholy in me- the non-happy ending ones that is. Read this one; it’s got Transformers, humor and my deep dislike for Michael Bay (only in the author’s notes, sadly) mixed with a little smut, some Megan Fox bashing and a happy ending (wink, wink).

I wish I could foresee a moment in time where I won’t feel like I’m about to crack.

down is what i’m feeling

Published June 22, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

So tell me when you’re gonna let me in,
I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin.
-Somewhere Only We Know,
Keane

I have been in the weirdest melancholic mood these last few days.

I don’t know if it’s residual grieving for my father since we just passed Father’s Day, if I’m picking up on Blue’s moods, if I just need to purge my system of all that I’m feeling or some strange combination of all three. I think it started when I read this fic. Or maybe the bittersweet ending just added to what was building, I don’t know.

I just want to let it go and feel happy (hell, I’ll settle for okay) again. It may come down to watching the episode of House that I keep on my DVR for such an occasion. The episode is called Wilson’s Heart and no matter how many times I watch it, I never fail to sob uncontrollably. (Kinda like when I watch Marley and Me.) Something about knowing that the hurting is coming and death is arriving so much quicker than anticipated, or even warranted, shatters my heart into a million pieces. How many times can you break your own heart before it’s no longer whole after it heals?

I’ve been listening to Glee’s version of the above quoted Somewhere Only We Know. The fact that I’ve caught myself singing/humming it a lot in the past few weeks speaks volumes of my emotional stability. That particular song is used in the new Winnie the Pooh movie commercial. I informed my mother that if I had to hear it one more time, my heart would crumble into seven million pieces and never be assembled again. She wanted to know why; why? I echoed, because it’s so f’in sad.

I want this unhappiness out of me. Now.

It seems like the world has other plans however. I may or may not have inadvertently made my favorite fanfic writer mad (and the fact that I can potentially anger a complete stranger worries me); I’ve broken: a plastic pitcher, the tip to my favorite eyeliner, the eyeliner sharpener (briefly); gotten my hands covered in said eyeliner, used a makeup remover wipe as a handiwipe for the eyeliner, lost a game of cribbage for third week in a row…oh, and one of my best friends is in the hospital.

I should have crawled back in bed and called out sick after I dropped the eyeliner pencil this morning, it only went downhill from there.