drama-rama

All posts tagged drama-rama

nothing feels right

Published September 11, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down,
and I do appreciate you being ’round.

-Help!, The Beatles

I’ve been stuck in this awful bout of depression.

I wish I knew its direct cause. The nearest I can figure, I’m coming down from the high of the culmination of 2 concerts and a big writing project. Whatever the cause, I need to shake it.

I was talking with someone the other day and was advised to let myself wallow.

Here’s the problem with doing exactly that- once I dig that hole, it’s nearly impossible to climb back out.

It leads me to doing stupid things, thinking that I’m being helpful when I’m doing the exact opposite. Or wandering into the angst tag and sobbing over character death fic. (That second one was an accident; I cry over character death fic on a good day.)

All the emotional upheaval is making me physically sick too.

I feel like I should step away from the fic, but how do I do that when it’s my main distraction from this craziness?

and the moral of today’s story is….

Published April 20, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

All this time to make amends;
what do you do when all your enemies are friends?
-Monkey Wrench,
Foo Fighters

Welcome back, Complaint Friday. Last week was a shitty week, work-wise, and I didn’t need you. This week was shitty for personal reasons and I’m glad to have you back.

I may have done one of the stupidest things, ever. I signed up for a big bang. Big bangs, for all of you people who aren’t currently being seduced by (fan)fiction, are works of fiction written and…you know what? Follow this link for more.

Anyway, the big bang has a minimum of 15,000 words. I don’t think I know 15,000 words. Even if I do know that many words (obviously a great many will be repeated), I don’t have an idea to carry me for that long. I struggled to hit 5k with Star and failed. How the hell am I going to hit15k???

In more practical matters, I’ve been pissed off by someone who I considered to be a friend. Apparently, I didn’t rate as such in her book because she laid into me over something incredibly stupid. Guess what? Not everything I say is inappropriate, so if you have examples, I’ll be more than willing to listen to what they are so I don’t repeat those mistakes.

A better option would have been to pull me aside at those times and say, “I found that to be inappropriate.” At that point, I could have apologized and learned from my mistake. Instead, you kept quiet, so it couldn’t have been that bad.

And finally, if you consider me to be socially awkward and annoying, that’s great. No one’s forcing you to be friends with me. I guess it’s time to stop pretending because I don’t need this bullshit in my life. Thanks for the trust reminder. I won’t be making that mistake with you again.

this is me.

Published April 8, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Well, it sucks, to be honest.
-Shadow Days,
John Mayer

Yet another procrastination post…with a bonus of introspection!

So yesterday, M and I accidentally got into a srs bsns (serious business) conversation. I may have scared her a little. Or a lot. Oops.

It’s not my fault; she’s easy to talk to. She probably got to know more than she ever wanted to about me, emotional me. Broken me.

It’s funny, most of the people I feel close to, say they don’t play well with others.

We are a band of misfits.

We work well with each other.

I’m happy to know them.

I had someone tell me the other day that he really hoped that I would be able to make it to some event. It’s really telling about my trust level that my first thought, when someone (outside of family) invites me somewhere, is usually along the lines of: Why? So you can laugh at me for believing you when you pull a no show? Or so you can laugh and tell me that you didn’t mean it when I show up?

These thoughts have led me to back out of more outings than I can count. Those thoughts, plus the thoughts that if someone truly got to know me that they would run far, far away. This is why I run first.

I wish I knew the source(s) of these fears. I cannot stop them. I’ve tried.

under the magnifying glass

Published March 22, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Do, do you got a first-aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound? Tell me….
-Damaged,
Danity Kane

I may have left high school behind long ago, but it, apparently, has not left me.

  • I’m still the girl who’s too weird to hang out with the cool crowd, let alone be accepted or welcomed by it.
  • I’m still the girl who tries her hardest to be helpful so she’s not forgotten.
  • I’m still the girl who trusts too much or not at all.
  • I’m still the girl who’s broken beyond belief in ways she has yet to comprehend.
  • I’m still the girl who won’t let anyone get too close for fear that they may not like what they find.

This might be too close. Can’t lose what friends I don’t have,  right?

non-compliant friday

Published February 3, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

What if I say I’m not like the others?
-The Pretender,
Foo Fighters

Complaint Friday. (Almost was “compliant” Friday. If only.)

  • Got a jury duty notice in today’s mail. My tentative serving date is for the day after my dad’s birthday.  Thanks Daddy, but I’ll be asking for a date further in the year.
  • I created my own drama again today. Arghh. I really need to stop worrying about things before they happen. I was having a good week up until this afternoon.
  • I’ve been on the library’s waiting list for 3 books for almost a month. Within the last 96 hours, they’ve all become available. Download within 48 hours or forfeit your place in line. So, now I have 3 books that I need to read before the lending period is up. 3 books, 3 weeks. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, except…
  • I started a brand new story. And sorta told my beta I’d be done by Sunday. Yet again, normally not a problem, except…
  • My muse has fled. Like packed up and moved away with no forwarding address, fled. I’m almost a third way through it (most of it being a flashback, which could stand on its own) and have completely lost all steam. I should be writing drabbles for girl #1 as I finished my work for girl #2, but I HAVE NO IDEAS.
  • I have to start eating before watching Fringe. I was hungry during tonight’s episode, but was not about to break my “No eating during Fringe” rule. It was not pretty the last time I didn’t follow that advice. Speaking of Fringe, wtf?? JJ Abrams, please stop f’in with my head. 2 universes was ok, 3 is just starting to become confusing. Not to mention the whole thing with the Observers.

End.