dreams

All posts tagged dreams

i just wanted to say

Published October 20, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

My heart gets no rest over you.
-Selfish,  ‘N Sync

My brain gets no rest either.

I’ve been having these strange dreams about Blue every night. Last night’s dream involved him acting just like his dad, which doesn’t surprise me since they’ve both been on my mind a lot. Sometimes the dreams are small ones that fade minutes after I awake, but they’re starting to become bigger and last longer.

My ears have been carefully tuned to the tone of his voice and he said something the other day that had me muttering, Let’s just break my heart, why don’t we?, because I could hear the hurt in his voice. And the looks he’s been giving me? Just stop already.

I desperately want to speak with him about all this. Explain how I know it feels like the wounds keep being ripped open and the salt’s never-ending. How I know that he wants to block it all out because it’s the only way he can get through the day. I know all this because it’s how I coped.

You know what it got me? Dreams where I am startled and terrified to find my dad’s alive. Never happy. Startled because I know that he’s dead and terrified because I know that when he figures that out, he’s going to die all over again. And I know that I won’t be able to take that pain again.

I don’t want any of this for him. If he needs someone to talk to who’s been through this, I’m here. I just want the Blue I know back. He may drive me incredibly crazy but I can talk to him. And tell him that I had a squeaky windshield wiper incident that reminded me of the time he got surprised by one. Or inquire about his upcoming follow up appointment for his kidney stone issues.

I just want to be able to talk to him again.

what’s going to happen?

Published August 27, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

I’m staring down the barrel of a hurricane. A hurricane the size of Europe. EUROPE.

First we get a really rare earthquake (tremors here) and now a f’in hurricane. Because the 2nd worst winter on record wasn’t enough wrath from Mother Nature. I’m trying very hard to not be my usual self who wants me to freak out. I can’t stop a hurricane, so I’m gonna have to let this one go.

Dreamt about Blue last night. It’s been awhile since that happened. I kind of know why it did though; he left without a word or visual warning and my brain hates that. Especially since with the impending hurricane, who knows what will go down?

In this dream, he and I are holding hands, sort of- since it was more like we’re grasping each others fingertips, and he wants to know how I keep my fingers so warm. My answer is something like, “I sit still.” (Okay dream me, that’s dumb.) So the dream fast-forwards and suddenly he’s sitting in a chair almost across from me with his legs on either side of my chair. What catches my attention is the fact that I’m stroking the skin of his ankle- under the leg of his pants- and it seems completely normal for us. I start to worry that maybe I shouldn’t be doing this but before I can look at him to confirm my thoughts by reading his expression and/or body language, the dream ends.

And to be completely honest, my dreams had a cameo by Justin Timberlake in a different dream…which was just plain strange. At least he was friendly.

I’ve been stuck on this song ever since I heard it. Time for you to love it too.