I wanted to be like you….
-All You Wanted, Michelle Branch
You know what would be great? If I could honestly stop caring how people perceive me.
It hit me the other day just how afraid I am of other people. Not all people mind you, just strangers. You know, random people…and my neighbors in my apartment complex.
Yeah, mostly my neighbors.
Because I see them on and off and I am desperate to not be known as the handicapped girl. So while most people would rush towards a building to be let in while someone else goes through the hassle of getting the door open, I fake doing shit in my car until they disappear and leave me alone.
If I didn’t, they would see me struggle with the steps, the door, and I don’t want my inability to be my defining characteristic. (Anyone who knows me, knows that honor goes to my sarcasm.)
I will forever be alone due to not letting people in. Even if they could get past the physically broken me, the emotionally broken me would push them away.
Too many people have abandoned me for reasons unknown to me. Because of this, I cling tightly to those in my life even as they treat me as nothing but an irritant. It’s why I cry and plead for forgiveness over the slightest thing. I have no self-respect.
How can I ask people to respect me if I don’t respect myself? I feel a bit like Rodney Dangerfield.
Do, do you got a first-aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound? Tell me….
-Damaged, Danity Kane
I may have left high school behind long ago, but it, apparently, has not left me.
- I’m still the girl who’s too weird to hang out with the cool crowd, let alone be accepted or welcomed by it.
- I’m still the girl who tries her hardest to be helpful so she’s not forgotten.
- I’m still the girl who trusts too much or not at all.
- I’m still the girl who’s broken beyond belief in ways she has yet to comprehend.
- I’m still the girl who won’t let anyone get too close for fear that they may not like what they find.
This might be too close. Can’t lose what friends I don’t have, right?
It’s dinner, then it’s bed alone.
– The Hurt, John Mayer
It’s been several days since I’ve seen Blue.
I realized yesterday that despite this, I haven’t missed him. What shocked me wasn’t that I didn’t miss him, it was why I didn’t. See, it turns out that my fears for him were founded. And because of this, he has been a part of my thoughts nearly every day.
I can imagine all the things he’s going through, the things he’s feeling and thinking because I was there not so long ago. His siblings all have significant others to lean on and Blue has…friends. He’s not entirely alone, but still, it’s not the same. And this is part of the reason I hurt on his behalf.
I know what it’s like to go home filled with uncertainty, afraid to voice anything aloud in case it’s true (like you fear) and you don’t want to burden the others who have families to return to so you stay silent as persistent thoughts nag at you all night long. Break down when and where no one can see or hear you. Get up after minimal, if any, rest. Repeat.
I don’t want any of this for him. Unfortunately, I cannot stop whatever he’s actually going through, even though I would give anything to try.