internet friends?

All posts tagged internet friends?

from me to you

Published March 31, 2013 by veryjaneeyre

The sacrifice is never knowing
why I never walked away,
why I play myself this way,
and now I see, you’re testing me;
pushe
s me away.
Pushing Me Away, Linkin Park

Ever wonder how many times you have to ignore someone before they get the hint and just leave you alone? Well, if the person you’re ignoring is me, it might take a while before I decide to accept things at face value. And even then, it’s questionable.

You see, I have this rather ridiculous notion in my head that even if I’m being treated like shit by a “friend”, I’m the bad friend for walking away from the mistreatment. Or worse, I’m afraid of angering the other person by pointing out their actions.

How fucked up is that? I don’t want to upset the person who is upsetting/hurting me.

I hate burning bridges but if you get me worked up enough, I’ll light the fucking match with a smile…and sob as the flames consume everything I once cherished.

You were the one to stop trying, to stop communicating, and I’m the one who is finally letting go of something that no longer exists: our friendship.

You were right; you do suck.

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a banging thank-you

Published September 5, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Okay! This thing that I whined about here and sort of cheered about here, is posted.

Before you get the link (haha!), you have to understand that the monster (as I’ve been calling it lately) would not have been written without the help of two very fabulous women: garnetice (C) and shisou_eimin (M).

C had the task of editing the damn thing.

But even before I got to that stage, she also had to handle me whining at her during every step of the process. It started with the difficulty of coming up with an idea. Quickly followed by me complaining that no one wanted to be my beta. It progressed into me (not so) jokingly threatening to quit every time she stated she “might die”. (How many times was that, C? Like 2 or 3?) It ended with me screwing up at every turn, an almost computer implosion (the blue screen of death appeared at one point!) and a few versions of the monster being sent her way.

I’m sure there were several points where she asked herself why she talked me into the bang. She deserves so much respect for dealing with me…. Go read her stuff. She’s the one who I talk about here and in paragraph 4 here.  She’s so awesome that even her notes on my errors are humorous. Here are couple of excerpts:

The ride to the deli is quiet but – comma after quiet. [removed], commas are our friends.

Getting on Logan’s nerves but before – commaaaa. Lol, okay, so I’m going to stop pointing these out because I’m sensing a theme, and it’s probably obnoxious for you to have me go COMMA COMMA COMMA. Generally, you’re going to need a comma before the but always; control f them all and insert those suckers. ❤ (Funny story here, C. I once had a teacher who told me to stop doing this very thing and that’s why they were all missing. And it wasn’t obnoxious at all!)

You might get some crit for it from the serious shippers, tbqh, because people are fans of happy endings, but they can go fuck themselves. This? Wins everything.

See what I mean? Awesome.

M, on the other hand, was my artist. Her lovely contribution is here. (She too writes amazing stuff…find it here.)

She also got the brunt of my whining through various forms of communication: email, text, twitter. Next time I might try carrier pigeon.

M was my drill sergeant when I needed to be kicked/pushed and didn’t shoot me when I went and completely changed the ending on her.

It’s also thanks to her that the monster has had so many views already despite being posted for such a short amount of time.

M continues to be my sounding board for a great many things. She is simply amazing.

Seriously, I don’t know how either of them put up with me, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you both.

The monster.

this post sounded better in my head

Published June 26, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

So one last lie I can see through,
this time I finally let you
go, go, go.
-Lost In The Echo
, Linkin Park

I should not be crying.

I already knew that I wasn’t allowed to have friends. Experience says it’s because I’m too neurotic, too whiny, too needy, too broken. They all realize it sooner or later and leave.

She’s been taking steps away from me for a while now. The things that bonded us have been thrown by the wayside and there’s nothing holding us together anymore. It’s not like I knew her, except it felt like I did. She’s a lot like me.

I’m struggling so hard not to simply push her out of my life to avoid being left behind again. To be the one who walks away first. Again. It would be so easy, but it would hurt just as much.

I’m too fucking emotional to think rationally.

And it certainly doesn’t help that one of my very best friends died around this time last year.

I need to step back and let things be. If she decides to junk our friendship, I wish her nothing but the best.

this is me.

Published April 8, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Well, it sucks, to be honest.
-Shadow Days,
John Mayer

Yet another procrastination post…with a bonus of introspection!

So yesterday, M and I accidentally got into a srs bsns (serious business) conversation. I may have scared her a little. Or a lot. Oops.

It’s not my fault; she’s easy to talk to. She probably got to know more than she ever wanted to about me, emotional me. Broken me.

It’s funny, most of the people I feel close to, say they don’t play well with others.

We are a band of misfits.

We work well with each other.

I’m happy to know them.

I had someone tell me the other day that he really hoped that I would be able to make it to some event. It’s really telling about my trust level that my first thought, when someone (outside of family) invites me somewhere, is usually along the lines of: Why? So you can laugh at me for believing you when you pull a no show? Or so you can laugh and tell me that you didn’t mean it when I show up?

These thoughts have led me to back out of more outings than I can count. Those thoughts, plus the thoughts that if someone truly got to know me that they would run far, far away. This is why I run first.

I wish I knew the source(s) of these fears. I cannot stop them. I’ve tried.

call me captain backfire

Published April 2, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

I just wanna be liked,
just wanna be funny,
looks like the joke’s on me-
so call me Captain Backfire.
-My Stupid Mouth
, John Mayer

Despite a verbal confirmation today that I really am likable (boy do I have her snowed), I have the funny thing down a bit better. At least, I think I do. Read this and you be the judge.

I wrote it for for this awesome girl I know. I may go back and work my original idea into something usable too. (M- if I do this, I’m holding it hostage. Its ransom would be my sequel. :))

I started reading a new book last night. It’s the second book of a trilogy, set in a dystopian society. Which happen to inspire a nightmare or two. Fun. Guess I need to stop reading right before bed.

The next six weeks are going to be hell. I ask that they move quickly. I hope that I find reasons to smile.

not doing what i should…again.

Published March 16, 2012 by veryjaneeyre

Another blatant procrastination post.

I should be writing…something. A fic I promised, a review of someone else’s awesome fic; something other than this post. And……….I’m not really writing here either. Ha. Watch some btr-related videos instead!

Here’s something from my newest obsession (which you can thank shisou_eimin for):

I just may love Benedict Cumberbatch. I already loved Martin Freeman.

The first protests. Don’t fight it, John!

I’ve said this to her, and I’m not sure why, but I can picture shisou_eimin shooting up a wall because she was bored too. Love ya, M!

Alright, I’ve wasted enough time. Post done.

a little bit of this and that

Published October 16, 2011 by veryjaneeyre

I wish I was like you, easily amused.
Find my nest of salt, everything is my fault.
-All Apologies,
Nirvana

I heard Nirvana on the radio today while driving to my parents’ house.

Let me be clear about one thing here- I don’t like Nirvana. Never have, never will. And I tried, believe me, I tried. My ex worshipped them, so I tolerated Kurt Cobain’s scratchy vocals and overproduced guitar riffs to the best of my ability while he put up with my love of John Mayer.

So imagine my surprise when I flipped radio stations, found myself in the middle of a Nirvana song that not only could I identify it, I could identify with it. Damn it. That should have been the first clear sign that I should keep my mouth shut today because the song was “All Apologies”. Instead, I ignored my warning, and proceeded to trample over everyone who I came into contact with’s feelings like I was a raging bull in a china shop. Without even realizing I was doing such.

This is why I don’t talk directly to Blue much anymore. Because as much as I want to help, I will hurt someone (him, myself, him and myself) in the process. It’s also why I shy away from people. I threw out a couple of inquires within the last 72 hours that I was nervous about responses. #2 was positive, probably made more so by the fact that I don’t know this girl personally and it wouldn’t have devastated me if she hadn’t responded, or responded unkindly- which, from what I’ve read, isn’t really like her.

#1, however, I haven’t heard a peep. I was attempting to ascertain if my feeling about someone was legitimate, and if so, what I could do to help. The fact that I haven’t heard anything should speak volumes. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but damn that’s hard, because I’m heavily invested in its subject.

I found myself reading a story backwards today. Maybe I should clarify that too. I started at the top of the ending chapter, and when I reached the bottom of it, I moved forward and began reading the preceding chapter. And so on. It was like seeing an accident and rewinding little nuggets of time to find out just how it came to be. Where did everything go wrong? Was it inevitable or was a wrong choice made? What was the beginning like?

I felt like I was pulling a Momento on myself, except I was fully aware of the time reversal and do not have short-term amnesia. I almost want to read my next book like that. Would I absorb the story any differently? Would I lose the impact of the ending? Or would I save myself the frustration of struggling with a story only to be angered at the vague ending, a la Atonement? I have lots of questions with no real answers.

My issues with communication are leaping off of this page and that frightens me a bit. Maybe someday soon, I can get them under control. Until then, I guess I’m going to have to be “All Apologies”.