I wish I was like you, easily amused.
Find my nest of salt, everything is my fault.
-All Apologies, Nirvana
I heard Nirvana on the radio today while driving to my parents’ house.
Let me be clear about one thing here- I don’t like Nirvana. Never have, never will. And I tried, believe me, I tried. My ex worshipped them, so I tolerated Kurt Cobain’s scratchy vocals and overproduced guitar riffs to the best of my ability while he put up with my love of John Mayer.
So imagine my surprise when I flipped radio stations, found myself in the middle of a Nirvana song that not only could I identify it, I could identify with it. Damn it. That should have been the first clear sign that I should keep my mouth shut today because the song was “All Apologies”. Instead, I ignored my warning, and proceeded to trample over everyone who I came into contact with’s feelings like I was a raging bull in a china shop. Without even realizing I was doing such.
This is why I don’t talk directly to Blue much anymore. Because as much as I want to help, I will hurt someone (him, myself, him and myself) in the process. It’s also why I shy away from people. I threw out a couple of inquires within the last 72 hours that I was nervous about responses. #2 was positive, probably made more so by the fact that I don’t know this girl personally and it wouldn’t have devastated me if she hadn’t responded, or responded unkindly- which, from what I’ve read, isn’t really like her.
#1, however, I haven’t heard a peep. I was attempting to ascertain if my feeling about someone was legitimate, and if so, what I could do to help. The fact that I haven’t heard anything should speak volumes. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but damn that’s hard, because I’m heavily invested in its subject.
I found myself reading a story backwards today. Maybe I should clarify that too. I started at the top of the ending chapter, and when I reached the bottom of it, I moved forward and began reading the preceding chapter. And so on. It was like seeing an accident and rewinding little nuggets of time to find out just how it came to be. Where did everything go wrong? Was it inevitable or was a wrong choice made? What was the beginning like?
I felt like I was pulling a Momento on myself, except I was fully aware of the time reversal and do not have short-term amnesia. I almost want to read my next book like that. Would I absorb the story any differently? Would I lose the impact of the ending? Or would I save myself the frustration of struggling with a story only to be angered at the vague ending, a la Atonement? I have lots of questions with no real answers.
My issues with communication are leaping off of this page and that frightens me a bit. Maybe someday soon, I can get them under control. Until then, I guess I’m going to have to be “All Apologies”.